You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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