Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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