i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
