Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
