Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
