What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
