She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
