I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
