Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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