I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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