I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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