hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
