Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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