I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
