sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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