I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
