What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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