the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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