is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
