im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
