He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
