well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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