So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I would fuck him just for his dog
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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