Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
