It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
