did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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