My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
