ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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