just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
