i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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