dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
