Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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