he puts the penis in happiness.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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