I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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