I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
