Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
