Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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