Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this boner is exhausting
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
