i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
