I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Say something about gay babies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
