K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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