I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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