My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
