I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
