Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
