I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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