I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
