You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
