Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
