here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
