I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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