Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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