Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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