My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
As shirtless as possible
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
