I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just found puke in my bra..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She needs sedatives and a leash
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
