My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
