And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too