mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
19 People Confess The Craziest Sex Act They’ve Ever Participated In
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
17 People Admit the Worst Thing They’ve Done To a Server
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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