I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today