Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
